nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
