I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
