Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
