Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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