your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
