it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
