I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize