my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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