I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I booty called her while she was in labor.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
