His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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