There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
