just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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