you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
