A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
