please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
