just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
