Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
