Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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