so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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