I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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