He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
