I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
