dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
