I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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