I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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