I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
