If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
