I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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