naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
