The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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