He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
