ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
