I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
