Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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