I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
