My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My liver just had a heart attack.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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