After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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