I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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