Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
