who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
