Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
