My first STD was from a foam party
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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