She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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