I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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