everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
