Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
