the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
