i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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