Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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