Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
