Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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