I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
