I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
